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Six
Poems by JOE E. WEIL from In
My Universe There Is No Hope (A Poem Of Joy) |
In My Universe There Is No Hope (A Poem Of Joy)
In my universe there is no hope, only an old, blue grey cat, who suddenly kittenlike, knocks over a vase full of chrysanthemums. There's a good song playing on the radio, in the dead eye of a long winter's drive, the song reminding me of a ranch coat I had, and of a girl who buried her face in it, who left a trace of scented powder in the fur, a smart girl, who knew how to be remembered.
I pull over, step out along the road. The night sky is Dante, Whitman, Hank Willia ms. It ain't me. The hope's all gone-- a great weight lifted from my body. No hope, just lots of love. "Just lots of love!" I shout up at the stars. I know I'm lying. I've always had a knack for being genuinely amused by my own futility. My words curl up, a breath of smoke like Claude Rains escaping, "The Invisible Man." I stretch my so stiff legs, let the cold air bite. Regret keeps re-arranging the furniture, providing options, escape routes I didn't know I had until I stopped having them. I remember being shit-faced drunk on a beach at Sandy Hook, pissing into the pitch dark boom of unseen ocean, when my friend Eric, behind me, Whispered: "Hey, Joe, suppose a striped bass swims up, and bites off your thing?" We laughed louder than the waves.
In my universe, there is no hope, only an old blue grey cat, who dreams his version of valhalla: birds swift, but not overly so, familiar well marked laps, the scent-of cat-nip wafting every breeze.
Soon, I'll be nearing an exit I always miss. I try to remember a poem by Mathew Arnold, the one with the ignorant armies, the love he advises to be true. Why not? It's good advice.
I once had the whole thing memorized. Even the title's gone. Thank God. I always recited it with such a pretentious voice.
In lieu of Arnold, I pull out my cold prick, take aim at a copse of dead weeds. I let forth, remembering Eric's joke, thinking up a variation-- "Hey, Joe, suppose this big black bear..." and laugh louder than the dark, deeper than regret, as if by love compelled, that rules the sun in heaven and all the stars. Elegy For Lady Clairol
Lady Clairol has lost her will to live. We all saw it coming: the stolid gaze, the strained look of cheap allegory around the eyes. She gathers her bravery now into one last bright bouquet as the sun sets over a ruined postcard shop.
Ah lady, who could revive one hour, save one flower from the arc of its decay? Your breasts sag and your teeth drop out: like rose petals they fall. And all around you-- T shirts and lepers. The perfume of Boredom. Men never Understood you, mistress of Proteus as you were, your hair changing hue, changing shade in infinite flight from astounded hands. Now, may the earth grow blonde in your memory. May its roots weep black and refuse to be comforted. "After I Had Worked All Day At What I Make My Living"
Walt, this foreman's out to screw me, calls me a smart ass, says I won't shut my mouth. He suspects me of calling 0. S. H. A., swears I tipped them off: asbestos in the lead hammer room.
Walt, I go to poetry readings, featured reader, my whole life schizoid, get fifteen bucks for feature, lose a hundred missing work.
Walt, they talked of poetry, here, in this college bar, Neruda's collected works plump and glossy on the barstool next to a blonde in black.
Walt, they mention you. Someone asks how Whitman's beloved workers became such mindless, soulless, overweight redneck shits.
I walk away too tired to defend. Outside the moon has risen. Winter has shined the shoes of heaven black, black and clean, stars clear and stainless blue. I stand under the weight of your poems, Walt, and feel betrayed. PAINTING THE CHRISTMAS TREES
In my odyssey of dead end jobs, cursed by whatever gods do not console, I end up at a place that makes fake Christmas trees: thousands! some pink, some blue, one that revolves ever so slowly to the strains of Silent Night.
Sometimes, out of sheer despair, I rev up its Rpms and send it spinning wildly through space-- Dorothy Hammill disguised as a Balsam fir. I run a machine that spits paint onto wire boughs, each length of bough a different shade-- color coded-- so that America will know which end fits where.
This is spray paint of which I speak-- no ventilation, no saftey masks, lots of poor folk speaking various broken toungues, a guy from Poland with a ruptured disk lifting fifty pound boxes of defective parts, A Haitian so damaged by police "interrogation" he flinches when you raise your arm too suddenly near,
and all of us hating the job, knowing it's meaningless, yet singing, cursing, telling jokes, unentitled to anything but joy, the lurid, unreasonable joy that sometimes overwhelms you even in a hole like this.
it's a joy rulers mistake for proof of "The Human Spirit." I tell you it is Kali, the great destroyer, her voice singing amidst butchery and hate. It is Rachel the inconsolable weeping for her children. It goes both over and under "The Human spirit." It is my father crying in his sleep because he works twelve hour shifts six days a week and can't make rent.
It is one hundred and ten degrees in the land of fake Christmas trees. It is Blanca Ramirez keeling over pregnant sans green card. It is a nation that has spiritualized shopping, not knowing how many lost to the greater good of retail. It is Marta the packer rubbing her crippled hands with Lourdes water and hot chilies. It is bad pay and worse diet and the minds of our children turned on the wheel of sorrow--
no langauge to leech it from the blood, no words to draw it out-- a fake Christmas tree spinning wildly in the brain, and who can stop it, who ' unless grief grows a hand and writes the poem? FISTS (FOR MY FATHER)
It was the sense that your fists were worlds and mine were not that caused me to worship you; all those thick rope veins, and the deep inlaid grime of your life, the permanent filth of your labors.
I wanted your history. My own smoothness appalled me. I wanted that hardness of fists. I'd pry your fingers loose, using both my hands, find stones, a robin's egg uncrushed in the thick meat of your palms. Between thumb and forefinger, your flesh smelled of creosote and lye, three packs of Chesterfield Kings. You told me stories about heros, David with his sling, Samson with his jaw bone of an ass, Christ with his word forgive.
Tonight, I read about Cuchulain contending with the sea, how he killed his son in battle, a son he'd never known, and, mad with his grief, fought the waves for three nights and as many days, until, at last, he came ashore, and fell asleep holding his dead child's hands. When he woke, it was morning, and the hands of his son had become two Black Swans. They flew West where all suffering ends. I read this story and I remember you. Hold me clenched until I am those birds. Sleep now, until your fists can open. FROM MY ELIZABETH
It's praise we enter-- this thin gruel of stars out, above the Chinese take
or the leaf rot smell of cold night's air--
what all begins my journey into things:
dogs, front yards, trees, the rain sodden acrecorn that drops a hundred f eet to ring the hood of a van.
A kid drags a stick along a broken chain-link fence, loving the top hat sound of steel mesh enough to wager his life against six lanes of traffic.
It's winter and twenty eight years ago.
I walk past
Moy's candy store and Bartone's bakery, affecting my wounded soldier limp. ice crystals form in the clear ooze of my nose.
A block away, there's the hard pecking of a basketball against the uneven sidewalk, and then this girl dribbles up,
this girl in Raider's ski cap, who, spinning the world on her finger, rolling it shoulder to elbow, dishes a perfect chest pass and says: "Hi." Copyright © 1998 by Joe Weil from his book In Praise We Enter. All rights reserved by the author. |
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