Have you noticed the millions of moms in minivans? I have. Not just marching on Washington to oust Chuck Heston and his armed gorilla nation, but cruizing around town on their cell phones with the neighbors kids in the back. Apparently, they have their minds set on one thing,....and it ain't sex. It's....you guessed it ....soccer. Yes, they are the infamous Soccer Moms of suburbia. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, bend steel with their teeth. Well, I did a little calculating regarding what i see as The Soccer Mom Conundrum. First of all, I just don't believe it, I mean come on, how many soccer teams are there out there? Figure every soccer mom has say, 2.5 kids of soccer age, and there are say 100 soccer moms per square mile of suburban sprawl. OK, and say there are around 12 kids on each team. That means there are over 20 soccer teams per square mile. Assume there are 200 square miles of suburbia per county in most states (conservative #). So there are 4,160 soccer teams per county? Figure 20 counties per state and 50 states means well over 4 million soccer teams in the US! That makes for one hell of a season, no wonder Wal Mart is taking over the world selling sporting goods. Damn, how long are the playoffs? I can see Chuck Heston now, with a bottle of bourbon in one hand and a couple of .22's in the other....."arm yourselves against these maniacs". No wonder soccer moms complain about being so busy. A morning practice in Pennsylvania, an afternoon game in Idaho, and an evening playoff on Guam. Shit, I'd be stressed too. But I just don't think there is that much interest in soccer to make it plausible. Personally I only know of two kids who play soccer. Why don't they call them saxophone moms? I know more kids that take sax lessons than play soccer. Anyhow, I think it would be better to have 4 million brass bands marching about the streets. Soccer is boring but horn sections are always in demand. How many professional soccer players can you name?....ok, Pele..right, thats about it. Now how many famous sax players can you name....sure, lets see, there's Eddie Money, Bobby Keys, Edgar Winter to name a few that are still alive. A lot more horn sections for sure though. Plus this way kids get to experiment with hard drugs and live more colorful lives. And none of those annoying coaches to deal with. Sure they may die kind of young, but have you ever seen an old person playing soccer?????