Global Warming and Reality

an uninformed misleading essay

Our industrialized society of convenience will probably extint us all in the not so distant future I think. Global warming,.. the greenhouse effect,.. ozone holes... So we should be alarmed, right? And some of us are. But I think people who worry about these things are just wasting their time. I mean sure, I suppose burning every last ounce of coal on the planet in only 200 years could have some effect on the atmosphere. And maybe atomic waste on the ocean floor might spell doom for 75% of the earths population, but what are the real chances of any manmade mishap turning 75% of North America into a desert, the rest covered with a mile thick glacier. Yikes! But by no fault of humans, this could be the scenario in your lifetime. Worried? You should be. We just happen to be living in a little warm spell right now of the latest Ice Age. In no time at all, like 20 years probably, cities could be over-run with giant ice sheets. Woolly Rats the size of pigs will roam the frozen wasteland, evicted, but not discouraged. Soil frozen 10 feet deep, pesky blizzards every day. Where will we get gas for the grill now?

What really controls the weather though is where the continents happen to be at any given time. They control ocean circulation patterns which in turn control wind and hence all weather, blah blah blah... So what you say, the continents move so slow I'll be long gone by the time Los Angeles passes San Fransico on it's way to Alaska. Well think again, because any day now...big changes, I predict that a string of volcanos will form just off Long Island as the Atlantic ocean crust starts being subducted under the North American plate.

Now that will be a neat solution to all that garbage and sewage we dump out there. Once the 4 mile deep ocean trench forms and the volcanos start erupting all over us, the garbage and sewage will be subducted, melted, and spewed right back on top of us, probably killing many of us. Ironic isn't it, when we dumped all that crap out there who woulda thought it would get Swallowed by the Earth, Melted, and Spit Right Back at us Red Hot, cool! It is time to start believing in the Earth Goddess again, quick, grab the nearest virgin and head for the landfill! We got problems.

Ancient cultures had gods for everything, it was their way of rationalizing the unknown before they could think straight. Right? Whatever..... Well, they were right, and we are wrong. But if you waste your time worrying about every little ozone hole, or city built on a fault, chemical plants, nuclear power plants, boll weevils, defrocked priests, dutch elm disease, asteroids, hemmorids, herpes.... you'll never get anywhere, you'll be paralyzed with fear. Think big picture...when some of these little organic comet balls fall down in Antartica with some twisted DNA fragments on board. Next thing you know fruit flys will have mutated into huge flying T-Rexes. And people will be their favorite meal.
Hey, it could happen, where do you really think dinosaurs came from? Evolved from algae, yeah right! Outer space is where they came from, it had to be. How could such critters just, like, evolve? Where did we come from then?...yeah....you got it...outer space!

There must be quite a variety of DNA stuff floating around out there, past pluto, just waiting to make a run for Earth, moldy crutons in the primordal soup. The extinction of the dinosaurs and 80% of all ocean life occurred 65 million years ago and was supposedly caused by the impact from space of a large object. This is, coincedentally, the age of the 1st fossilized Chicken McNuggats. This suggests that the object that crashed was a spaceship full of horny humans with greasey take-out food. The humans then proceeded to multiply, kill all the dinosaurs, and do a hell of a lot of fishing.

Who really has rights to this planet anyway? Are we natives or visitors? If DNA from other worlds regularly crashes to earth on metors and introduces new opportunistic specices to spread and conquer the world we are just one of many. So, I guess the moral of this story might be: 1) don't worry about the things you don't understand, they can't hurt you... 2) Find something irrational to fear, it's easier...3) Paranoia... whatever...