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The Soapbox: Rants and Commentary:
Hollywood: They Got Me AgainComposed by Dan O'Leary (dano@cybercomm.net) Summer 1997
The saddest part of it is that I *wanted* to see this film. I really did. I've been a fan of the cheesy Toho movies for years, and the idea of a full-scale modern Godzilla movie sounded like a great idea. Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich (of "Independence Day" fame) suckered me in again. Just like with ID4's trailers, my eyes lit up when I saw previews of the giant monster stepping through the building and giving that famous roar. Of course, as most people who heard about the film's box office performance know, the ID4 team disappointed moviegoers again, once leaving us annoyed and $7 poorer. There, I've admitted it, I no longer need to hide my secret shame. So, about this cinematic equivalent of a "bait-and-switch." Here's the "plot": French nuclear testing in Polynesia mutates the local animals, notably one kimodo dragon. Years later, a Japanese fishing boat is attacked by a giant creature. A survivor calls it Gojira; no explanation why, or why the monster is later called Godzilla. Godzilla appears in Mahattan and the city is evacuated in hours (uh-huh). The military chases the lizard through the city, where all the damage is caused by missed missle shots. Godzilla evades the choppers by burrowing into a building and hiding somewhere in the subway tunnels (uh-huh). An investigating scientist, Nick Totopolous (Broderick), suggests Godzilla is pregnant and looking to nest. His theory isn't accepted and he is fired from the top-secret Godzilla task force when his aspiring-reporter girlfriend spills their secrets by stealing a videotape that "explains" everything (uh-huh). He joins up with a French Secret Service team headed by Jean Reno, posing as an "insurance representative." (uh-huh) The crack team of Ferris Bueller and the Six Armed Frenchmen are off to find the nest, while a naval sub "defeats" Godzilla with a lone torpedo as he swims in NY Harbor. Godzilla has managed about twenty minutes of screen-time one hour into the film. Wandering through the miles of subway tunnels, they stumble upon the nest (uh-huh). G-man has layed hundreds of eggs in Madison Square Garden. Of course, they all hatch simultaneously while our dimwit heroes walk straight through the nest. The next twenty minutes we get to watch "Jurassic Park III: The Lost Stadium" as the eight-foot tall very-Raptoresque babies chase the heroes around MSG. They escape just before the army bombs the Garden, but now must evade pissed-parent Godzilla...in a stolen taxicab. (The monster outruns Apache helicopters but can't beat a car? I guess that's why no one can catch a cab in New York.) You can almost hear Ian Malcom yelling "must go faster...!" as they try to evade Mr. Lizard. They drive across the Brooklyn Bridge and the Big Guy gets caught in the suspension cables, and is quickly taken out with a couple of missiles from the choppers he didn't eat last time. The music turns somber and I was ready to hear "it was BEAUTY killed the beast!" as the humans walk off into the sunset. Of course, one lone baby survives the MSG bomb (uh-huh), and roars as we fade to black. That may seem like a lot of words to describe a near nonexistant plot. The ID4 folks like lots of characters in their movies, developed or not, to fill the action and give the illusion of plot. No one is a sympathic character either (simp-pathetic, perhaps): Nick's girlfriend can't understand why she isn't anchoring network news after three years of interning (it's NEW YORK, one of the most competitive cities in the world!), who manipulates all her friends then complains she can't catch a break. There's a feud between the photographer and his wife that reads like a Noo Yawk "Married, With Children." The fat Mayor Ebert is always arguing with campaign manager Gene. (get it? eh? get it?) Then there's the running gags: everyone mispronounces the Nick's last name, and the French complain they can't get any good coffee. (ha) There's twenty minutes of "romance" development, a twenty-minute secret conspiracy chase to find out what the French are up to, and a twenty-minute escape from the Velocizillas. That's an hour out of a two-hour-plus movie. It was difficult at times to stop the urge to stand up and yell "The film is called GODZILLA, right? He DOES appear in this film, right?!" Ok, I know someone's thinking, "Dan, you dope. It's a Godzilla flick, designed by the Stargate nimrods. How could you possibly expect something more than that?" Because even in the old movies, there was always the (albeit heavy-handed) message that Nature, When Mistreated, Will Kick Man's Ass. We don't get that here. The threat of loss of life is gone after the evacuation, so what we have is Godzilla Vs. the Heavilly-Insured Buildings. The numerous plot holes (does the monster burrow in "whisper" mode? it'll sniff a person and not eat them but will swallow a helicopter whole? isn't nesting in New York like a duck nesting in Grand Central Station? the lizard's roar will flip cars in the air but won't knock over a human being? doesn't Gozilla breathe fire?) are insulting. The effects, while slick, just make the film more aggravating (the constant rainfall to cover up the CGI outlines and set mood only helped remind one of "JP", and the babys' movements were so alike, they practically goosestepped). While it's not Batman & Robin-level bad, it's wants to wrestle for the top spot. It's a Mystery Science Theater episode waiting to be born, folks. Disclaimer: No, before someone asks, I didn't sit with a stopwatch and time those particular segments mentioned. Depending on your own Tedium Tolerance factor, your mileage may vary. The movie still stinks. |
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