The Soapbox: Rants and Commentary: The Fall TV Season Composed by David Anderson(oommp@webspan.net) One of our discussion group's suggestions was to discuss, "...the banality of this year's television season." Well, it just so happens, I have the TV Guide preview, the bible and a collector's item for the average pot bellied, single synapse, cheap beer swilling, bag-o-chips devouring, inane, insipid, uninspired, Joe-average the channel surfer. One thing I should tell you before I start. I try not to channel surf anymore. I try not to sit at the television and 'look for something to watch.' I find this to be frustrating and futile. I live in an area with eighty-some-odd channels, and I usually find nothing to watch. I'm praying Adelphia, my cable provider, picks up 'The Independent Film Channel.' I'm thinking between that, Bravo, A&E, The History Channel, The Discovery Channel, and The Learning Channel, I might have some decent surfing fodder. Until then, I'll stick to my program of only turning on the tube when I have something specific in mind to watch. Okay, here we go. In looking through 'The Guide', I count 36 new shows for network television. I should say right off I see network television in the same light I see commercial domestic beer. It is all watered down, mostly tasteless, not consideration given to color or clarity whatsoever, and it doesn't adhere to the German purity law Rhienhightsgatobote. Now, a quick comment on TV Guide itself. Being masters at their trade, they've dedicated at least one page, and sometimes two, to each network television show. When the show gets one page of coverage, the opposing page (always on the right) is a full page ad. TV Guide also has its favorite 'Picks.' There are 14 of these. This tells me almost half of the new shows coming out next year are exceptional, a mathematical improbability. These Picks break down as follows; ABC gets 4, CBS gets 4, NBC gets 2, Fox gets 1, UPN amazingly pulls down 1, and WB gets 2. TV Guide did a nice job of sprinkling their Picks evenly. Of these 36 new shows, I would be interested in... let's see... there's... no... umm... hmmm... okay, I got it. I'd be interested in a whopping one of them. I might check out 'The New Fantasy Island' for a few weeks. I like Barry Sonenfeld's work on 'The Addams Family' and 'Men In Black', and I've been a huge Malcolm McDowell fan since watching his performance in 'A Clockwork Orange.' This show seems quirky, weird, and new enough to catch my interest. Everything else, however, is banality. I once wrote to everyone explaining how the big beer companies owned the television networks, and how they use these networks to subdue your taste buds. Well, I've changed my mind. I think the networks ARE big beer now. It is amazing the similarities when you think of it. However, it is also understandable. They are both catering to same group of consumers who, in their defense, just might not know any better. Before closing this, I want to point out one of TV Guide's Picks was ABC's 'Two Of A Kind.' This stars the Olsen Twins. We can only hope the producer of that show, and the so-called writer who picked the show for TV Guide, will suffer incredible pain and agony in Hell. So, TV consumers, watch with care, don't sell your soul, and enjoy the fall season. Back To Rants and Commentary

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