The Soapbox: Rants and Commentary: Dulled Composed by David Anderson(oommp@webspan.net) I've finally figured it out. I've finally figured out what is wrong with our country today. I know the secret. I know from where all our ails derive. And it is the simplest thing you can imagine. We have no taste left. Yes, it is that simple. We have no taste left. Actually, I don't think mankind ever had any taste. I think we've always flocked to the lowest common denominator, we had to have. You think the Romans were the bastion of good taste with all their philosophy and democracy and engineering? What do you think the average Roman did on the weekends? That's right; the Coliseum! They went to go see Christians get eaten by lions or slaughtered by Gladiators. The plot of these short little encounters were more complex than your average Golan and Globus or Roger Corman movie, and much better special effects than anything Ed Wood ever did, but it was just gratuitous violence none the less. So, here we are, mankind with not a lot of taste to begin with, and what happens next? The big conspiracy. I mean the BIG one. Follow along with me if you can. I blame prohibition for the conspiracy. You see, before prohibition, there were hundreds of little micro-breweries around the country that created the malt beverages the American public consumed. Each area had it's own little brewery and beer was regionalized. You'd go here for a nice Porter, there for a good Lager, and still another place for the best Pilsner. It is still much the same way in Europe today. Then along comes the Washington do-gooders (a contradiction in terms at best) and they decide that alcohol, beer included, is bad. (They've decided the same thing about tobacco today, but they are much more devious now. They just tax it until it become prohibitive to buy and hopefully people will stop consuming.) So, since beer is bad, and since Washington must protect us from out own stupidity, they banned it. Bam, the country goes dry now. Well, almost. People still brew in their bathtubs, but that's besides the point. What happens with the breweries though is the small ones close up shop immediately, while the biggest ones... and only the biggest ones, export to Europe. Survival of the fittest for business. After Washington realized they couldn't enforce prohibition (like the runny egg thing in New Jersey not too long ago) they decided to take the brave way out. They call a Mulligan and re-deal, saying it is okay to drink now. Whoopdy-shit. The only breweries left in the US are the really, really big ones. Now, people have forgotten what good tasting beer is, so the big breweries produce the cheapest, most tasteless crap they can possibly produce. They use rice as a filler as opposed to malt and they water it down to the point where it really doesn't resemble beer much at all anymore. But it's cold and it's cheap and it'll get you buzzed on a hot day. The American people drink it up. Now, I believe somewhere around 1951 somebody stood up and said, "This beer sucks! Remember what good beer was?" This was probably a veteran of WWII who had just come back from Europe... where he had good beer, and then returned to the US to taste some Budweiser. Augusta Busche (who, according to the commercial, was smart enough to chill his beer with ice, as opposed to the various other things he could have used like steel, barbed wire, cotton and live chickens) got word of this insurrectionist and started to devise a plan. A plan so devious that it would touch us to this very day. He planned MR. ED. That's right, he planned a crappy half hour sitcom. Why did he do this? He had to keep our taste buds desensitized so that his swill wouldn't come across as.. well... swill. And it worked. People watched these sitcoms and became mesmerized. When Mr. Ed ran it's course, the Beaver took over. After that The Monkeys took over. In the '70's, our tastes were beaten down at every angle; in our clothes, our food, our music (Disco was a by-product of Billy Beer), everything. You think The Ropers spin-off happened by accident? No! Aaron Spelling owns part of Schlitz! Now, other products have moved in. I believe Hot Pockets to be reason Full House has been on for so many years. Cup o' Noodles had a direct hand in the second season of Men Behaving Badly. Coors owns the Paramount Network! So, next time you sit down with your Pbasts and that Franco American Macaroni and Cheese meal to watch your rerun of Martin, remember what I've revealed today. I don't think I'll be around much longer, though. Once the big boys have realized I'm onto their plan they'll make me a meat stuffing for something you only have to pop into microwave for a minute to eat. Back To Rants and Commentary

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