Dan's Orbiting Outpost of Love MOVIES THAT DESERVE THE MST TREATMENT A lot of this list was originally compiled from suggestions made by readers of the MST3K groups on USENET (my apologies for lack of credit to the original editor, as this was given to me second-hand). Add your own suggestions by sending them here. ASSAULT ON THE WAYNE (1970) (TV) Leonard Nimoy tried to put his Star Trek career behind him, even going so far as to write a book titled "I am not Spock". This movie explains why he changed his mind. See an overwrought Nimoy rolling around on a cot, suffering from emotional tension, moaning "aspirin, aspirin!". I'm *not* making this up! Bob Church, church@art.ohiou.edu THE AVENGING DISCO GODFATHER This movie had some of the greatest moments in film history, if I can't get a hold of an MST episode then this is what is in the VCR. You'll never know untill you see it. All I can say is, "you'll need E.C.T(Electro-Shock Therapy)" @cmc1.coloradomtn.edu BARBARELLA (1968) Marianne Productions/Paramount Pictures/Dino de Laurentiis Cinematografica (Rome). That should be good for hundreds of good riffs. The best one, though, would be Tom Servo singing 'It's a small world after all' while the dolls try to chomp her in the tunnel. Michael Crawford, mac3477@infi.net THE BARBARIANS AND THE SORCERESS (date?) David Carradine as a a cynically antiheroic hero; a wandering merc who helps a deposed high priestess overthrow the usurping bad guy. Problem; the priestess wears only a bikini bottom and the other actresses wear nothing. Some incredibly stoooopid killings. katiek@early.com BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997) I know the Brains covered this film briefly on the "Summer Blockbuster Review" (with the classic "Oh my God, they're DOCKING!" remark), but all I could think of while watching this film in a second-run theater how much I wanted to scream for my $1.50 back. There are so many problems with this film, I instinctively kept glancing to the bottom of the screen to check for the silhouettes. Ahnold is in his Terminator mode, spouting lines like "You can't keep me in the coola!" and "Take two of these and call me in the morning"; Uma Thurman is doing her best Michelle Pfeiffer/Catwoman impression (and isn't Poison Ivy supposed to be sexy? UMA THURMAN?); Chris O'Donnell is extra whiny, perhaps as an homage to Burt Ward; Alicia Silverstone shows her depth as Alfred's BRITISH neice from a BRITISH school, by recreating her "Clueless" role in a rubber suit; and Clooney is, well, Clooney. Not many movies can claim to incite comic book fans (the target audience) to riot! Dan O'Leary, dano@cybercomm.net THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE (1978) This documentary leads the viewer through the most eerie happenings in the history of the Bermuda Triangle, from Columbus seeing UFOs to small planes mysteriously vanishing in foul weather in the '60s and '70s. Astonishing evidence is presented by the dullest of narrators: in the year that Edgar Cayce predicted Atlantis would begin to rise, divers found some rocks on the floor of the Caribbean Sea! Some small islands look mysteriously like other small islands in times of bad visibility! Pilots' and air controllers' watches have been known to disagree! My gods, it must be true! Run for your lives! AIEEEEEE! BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (1970) 20th Century Fox I came across this living cartoon while channel-surfing late one night (it was on Cinemax). I could only stare at it with a mixture of horror and fascination, the way one stares at a car wreck. It's supposedly a soap opera about an all-girl rock band up against the manipulative meanies in Hollywood. The lead singer screws around with everyone from a Kato Kaelin-type would-be actor to her lawyer. When her cast-off ex-boyfriend attempts suicide, she immediately transforms into an angel of mercy and nurses him back to health. "Now I know that people are what's important!" she gasps through her tears, as an organ plays dramatic chords in the background. The drummer has a perfectly stable and happy relationship with a law student, but leaps right into bed with a famous boxer the minitue he woos her with a few lines of sweet talk that sound like Hallmark rejects. The lead guitarist gets hooked on pills and booze, gets pregnant, has an abortion, becomes a lesbian, and ends up murdered by her psychotic manager, who believes he's Superwoman and runs around his mansion in a satin cape, stabbing and decapitating people with a sword. The women all wear frighteningly garish clothes, hairstyles, and makeup, the acting ranges from wooden to Shatner-esque hysteria, the dialogue is laden with '60s cliches. Clean up some of the nudity and violence (it was originally X-rated, though I can't see why) and you have a movie that's DYING to be MSTed. Bonnie Walling, sunbird@exit109.com [Not only all that, but the script was perpetrated in part by Roger Ebert!] BILLY THE KID VS. DRACULA One in a series that features legendary, Old West criminal Billy the Kid taking on various monsters. Some of them include Frankemstein, the warewolf, etc. Bad special effects, bad acting, and poorly written dialogue riddle these films. All of them a "must see." NickBartku@aol.com BIMINI CODE A REAL stinker! It has two chicks who prance around mostly in bikinis (so Crow would have a field day) looking for a drug ring who sneak their dope up in nut cans! It has an evil villainess (actually I was cheering for her to win so the movie would be over) with one eye and a riding crop (real corny). There is a super secret underwater base that is real cheesy). The acting is awful! But the best part is when one of the Heroines is captured and placed in handcuffs. How does she escape? She simply slips them off her wrists! I rank this one up there with Double 007! But be warned, This one is REALLY hard to find (but worth the search). Steven Today, sftoday@svm.com BLOOD HOOK (?) Golden Chargers/Troma Films This is a movie directed by our very own James Mallon and available from Troma Films. This movie is set in the beautiful town of Hayward, WI during Muskie Madness, an annual muskie fishing festival. During the course of the movie, different people are hooked by a very large Daredevil lure, and reeled in by a character which shall remain nameless. (if you have ever been hooked in a body part by a fishing lure, watching this is very painful) The acting is atrocious, altho the scenery is beautiful. If you ever had a hard time watching Manos sober, this is a movie for you. All of my friends who have viewed it so far agree... It is more painful than any MST ep, and leaves you wondering afterwards, "why was it made, and WHY DID IT HURT SO MUCH???" Knowing Jim Mallon and Kevin Murphy were involved in this makes it a great crowdpleaser at any MSTie party! If you haven't watched it, do so at your own risk. But be sure to dub a copy the first time you watch it, it was horribly mass produced, and seems to wear out after 5 or 6 viewings. MoooCat@aol.com CALL OF THE DARK (1993) Luigi Mangiafico (Sent by the director himself!) See far out females feeding their faces with foul flesh! Dedicated to the cast and crew of Night of the Living Dead, this campy slasher is about a beautiful woman who drinks from an underground spring and becomes (what else?) a sadistic, cannibalistic hot chick who goes around eating men and women. The best part is when she is explaining to another girl why she is a killer- zombie: "Teachers brainwashed me," she says. Make sense? It doesn't have to - its got gore galore and a hot killer. Good soundtrack and make-up effects. Luigi Mangiafico, Director (lee28@sprintmail.com) CALTIKI, THE IMMORTAL MONSTER (1959) Truly, one of the classic killer blob movies of all time! Scientists discover that a comet approaching the earth is causing some goop in Mexico to go haywire and start smothering/devouring people. Not the best-scripted of its kind, but rewarding nonetheless for bad movie fans. Some rather shocking scenes for the time. Cinematography is by the great Mario Bava, and oddly enough, this Italian cheapo production was passed off as American worldwide, even in Italy! Hard to say how bad it was originally, due to poor dubbing. But the end result is ripe, and smelly, and waiting to rot more of your braincells! Judex, schenkee@freenet.msp.mn.us CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS (date?) Most of you probably know this Alan Ormsby opus, Night of the Living Dead with magic instead of comet-borne germs. Biggest question from scene to scene is "Why did that just happen?" katiek@early.com DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS (1962) Security Pictures Ltd. A 1962 Horror Science-Fiction "classic" based on a novel by John Windham (by the same title). In short, a terrific meteor shower sprays the planet, and most of the world's poulation witnessing the event is blinded. At the same time, a strange plant called a Triffid (hence the title) undergoes a horrifying mutation due to the cosmic radiation. Around the world, Triffids grow to enormous size, aquire mobility, and march on civilization, stinging their sightless victims and feeding on their remains. (Sounds great, huh?) The special effects are ridiculously bad, as is most of the dialouge. Produced by Philip Yordan, the film stars Howard Keel and Nicole Maurey. My friend found this movie in the local video store bargain-bin. The original retail price was $19.99, but it was sold for $4.88. This definately makes for a night of fun. Ben Kobulnicky, benak@fnal.gov THE DEADLY GAME (1993) USA channel (?) Yet another take on The Most Dangerous Game, this time set on a tropical island, with the psycho chasing a young couple. Standing in for the lush tropical forest is Latourell Falls, Oregon. Viewers familiar with the Latourell area will notice that various shots pieced together in the cliff-climbing sequences are actually from places up to a mile apart. Did I mention there's rock climbing? THE DEVIL'S RAIN (1975) [W]ith Bill Shatner. Don't remember much about the plot except there was a modern day coven of witches and in the final scene God rains over the coven and they melt into the ground. (I'm melting, MELTING!) Classic overacting from you-know-who. thor, thorpe@csulb.edu I believe the movie Devil's Rain, also starred John Travolta. Though I believe he redeemed himself in Pulp Fiction, anything prior to that, was of questionable quality. Terri Love, tlove2@jcpenney.com DUNE (1984) De Laurentiis Directed by David Lynch, starring Kyle MacLachlan, with Jose Ferrar, Sting, Patrick Stewart and a cast of dozens, it's chock full of riffing material. To paraphrase a comment from that post: Twin Peaks references! Eraserhead references! Police references! Star Trek references! And annoying, stilted dialogue, to boot! Pat Bowman, pbowman@aimla.com THE EDGE OF HELL (aka) ROCK AND ROLL NIGHTMARE (1982) Yet another cinematic hallmark starring our friend Jon Mikl Thor (of "Zombie Nightmare" fame)! This time, he's the leader of a spandex-and-fringe rock band (the horror!) that decides to spend a little time in a haunted house. Every single 80s haunted-house horror film cliché keeps us in sheer tedium for 80 minutes as female rockers in tight outfits (steady, Crow!) and dumb-as-bricks male musicians get chased and attacked by cheesy special effects (LOTS of riffing material here). The payoff of the entire movie is the final ten minutes: all the youngsters are chased outside, where a huge demon emerges from the ground in the backyard. In a flash, the popsters transmute into arcangel warriors who were SECRETLY WAITING for the demon to appear! A few Power Ranger moves, a cheap lightshow, and one dead demon. This "clever" twist ending left this flick scarred in my memory for life. Dan O'Leary, dano@cybercomm.net EMANON (1988) I heard about this movie from friends when I was playing in a band with the same name. I ended up finding this vile little vittle and I know it deserves to have a satellite-load of insults thrown at it. (Shame it doesn't fit the new "sci-fi only" format.) Here's the story: actress Janis Jamison (me neither) plays a struggling fashion designer with a young son played by Jeremy "Growing Pains" Miller (he's the only star -- it gets worse). The son befriends a young, nameless, homeless man who preaches in Central Park (it gets worse), and calls him Emanon after writing NONAME in a car's frosted rear window and reading it backwards (holy redrum! --it gets worse). Through a pointless series of encounters, mom, kid, and everyone else starts to wonder if Emanon is the return of Almighty (can we say "Life of Brian"?) after he saves mom's failing business by inspiring her to create a tattered-rags clothing line which becomes an instant success. (no, it's not a comedy) After being attacked for not being the Almighty, he bids a tearful goodbye to his young friend and fades into oblivion. Atrociously acted, poorly directed (Stuart Paul, writer of "The Double O Kid"), and just all-around awful, it ranks up there with the worst of 'em. FIRE AND ICE (1987) I have my very own store-bought copy of this movie. It's that wonderful. However,it must be seen to be believed. I cannot adequately describe it. It's animated, first of all; or rather it's rotoscoped. For those not familiar, rotoscoping involves filming live actors, then projecting the film frame by frame onto a cell and drawing from that. Legitimate animators sometimes use rotoscoping as an assist for complicated action sequences, but Ralph Bakshi (who is responsible for the equally stinky, but more yawn-inducing Wizards) used the process slavishly, resulting in a truly bizarre "style" of drawing. Fantasy artist Frank Frazetta consulted, and boy does it show! Anybody familiar with his "Deathstalker" painting (I believe that's the title.) will feel a strange sense of deja-vu... The Sword and Sorcery "story" features a scantily clad princess kidnapped by the ape-like henchmen of an evil prince named Nekron (by far the film's best character); a nameless warrior dressed up sort of like Batman-meets-Ator, a rock-stupid blond hero, a lesbian witch (second-best character), some assorted flying lizard-things, a monster apparently allergic to girls, lots of ridiculous fight scenes, melodramatic music, and many, many fall-off-the-sofa-laughing lines, like: "The next time you bring me one of your little sluts, mother -- I'll squash you like a bug!" This gem was a perennial party favorite among my friends long before we ever started watching MST. A must-see! mlb@cais.com THE 5000 FINGERS OF DR. T. (1953) Columbia Pictures This is based on a Dr. Seuss tale of Dr. Terwilliger, who plots nefariously to put 500 small boys to work making music on his enormous piano forever and ever. Bart is the first boy to arrive, and he sets about to defeat Dr. T and rescue his own mother from the doctor's clutches. This movie is just completely surreal. I have no idea how it's supposed to hang together. There are a host of bizarre characters, including a plumber who manages to create atomic energy out of the things he finds in Bart's pockets, a dungeon keeper who guards the dungeon containing all musicians who don't play the piano, and a pair of rollerskating "siamese twins" who are joined at the beard. (Don't ask.) There are several musical numbers that seem to have little to do with the plot. One in particular reminds me of a hundred Mr. B Naturals doing the "Gotta Dance" number from Singing in the Rain. :) The total weirdness of this movie is just too difficult to explain. Ellya the half a bee, elle@unix.tpe.com FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND (1981) Cerito/Chriswar Productions This inexplicable film stars John Carradine, patron saint of bad movies, as Dr. Frankenstein. The only catch is, he appears for about one minute total in the picture, all of it as a transparent figure floating in midair. Frankenstein's monster appears only at the climax, where he shatters a couple of beakers. The rest of the movie involves a group of balloonists who crash-land on an island populated by longshoreman zombies and women wearing leopard-skin bikinis, not to mention Frankenstein's granddaughter and her husband, Dr. Von Helsing. (Yes, it does seem that the filmmakers thought some Dracula references would spruce up this stinker). My personal pick for worst film ever made. But it's in color! Jason Snell, jsnell@macuser.com GATES OF HELL (date?) Italian, set in Metairie, Louisiana; ignorance of American police procedure, public health laws, and funeral customs is one laugher. People fleeing from a downtown hospital suddenly find themselves in a haunted house in the country. Characters come on, seem important, then never show up again. Red soda pop that looks _nothing_ like blood squirts from a wall and the "heroine" gasps "It's blood!" The doctor brings down zombies with head shots but learns nothing from experience and keeps shooting other zombies in the body. Just sort of stops instead of ending. katiek@early.com GYMKATA (1985) Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Thomas competes in a deathsport against various martial arts adversaries, including the inevitable ninja army. Classic moments, Thomas swing on a bar where the white chalk is CLEARLY seen. The 10 minute slow motion chase through the village of the crazies is also a must see to believe. The chase eventually ends in the town square where there just happens to be a pammel horse for some gymnastic trickery. Thespus9@aol.com HELL'S ANGELS ON WHEELS I saw it on Speedvision and all I could think of was how much they (mike & bots) could do with that movie. I realize it's hard to justify screwing with a Jack Nicholson movie, but they were just begging for it with that one. Bryan-Lydia@worldnet.att.net INFRA-MAN (1975) Unlike the serious movies that MST provide, ;) this Japanese mess is SOOOO bad, it stands up by itself. An alien witch creates terrible monsters to take over the world. The hero decides the only way to combat the menace is to have himself transformed into an atomic powered man-oid. (Apparently what any right-thinking scientist would do.) The monsters are hilarious; something like creatures from McDonald's Land gone horribly latex. My all time favorite midnight movie. Keith Olszewski, kolszewski@halnet.com THE INVISIBLE BOY (1957) MGM This is a movie which contains Robbie the Robot. The plot is basically that a boy visits his father at his job in a scientists think tank. As he is underfoot, they get him to play with a broken robot that was invented by a deceased/vanished super-genius. Even though all of the other super geniuses have been unable to repair Robbie, the kid does it in about 2 minutes. Then when he tries to show the super geniuses Robbie is working, they become even more annoyed... and the laughs just keep coming. Mark Maggiore, majory@ix.netcom.com JAWS 3 (1983) A movie ripe with material for ripping. A shark 35ft. in length (yeah right!) really bad acting from the likes of Dennis Quaid and Louis Gossett Jr. Originally shot in 3-d, the obvious get-a-reaction shots look really stupid when seen on t.v. now. Basic plot: The Brody family still hasn't caught on to the fact that they shouldn't go in the water and a perfectly good vacation is ruined when a shark and her offspring turn Sea World upside down. kerahern@mary.cs.fsu.edu JOHNNY MNEMONIC (1995) Alliance Communications Inc./TriStar/Cinevision (or, indeed, almost anything with Keanu Reeves as the star) As I watched this stinker, I said to my friend, "This is a movie we'll see on MST3K sometime soon." If you saw it, you know what I'm talking about. If not, well, you have to see for yourself. Major plot holes, bad acting all around, and a few scenes that just make no sense whatsoever. Phil Catelinet, catelinp@gunet.georgetown.edu JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (1959) 20th Century Fox Inane songs, giant iguanas, and literally hours of rock climbing make this a treat for any MSTie. Bearing almost no resemblance to the Jules Verne book of the same name, the first hour or so of the movie follows the life of a Scottish geology professor (with a British accent), his equally Scottish student (with an American accent), and the student's girlfriend as they do nothing that has much to do with anything. Later, the two Scotsmen go to Iceland to get to the center of the earth before their rival, a double-crossing Swede who turns out to be dead. They join up with a local Icelander named Hans, the dead Swede's wife, and Hans's girlfriend Gertrude the duck to visit the center of the earth anyway. The grandson of Arne Saknussem menaces them for a while, then joins up with our heroes after his elderly porter dies. A long period of rock climbing, punctuated by a series of random events, follows. Eventually, the survivors are blasted out of a volcano. One of the last scenes involves the Scottish student, a couple of nuns, and a sheep-- I am not making this up. The "underground" sequences were filmed in the Carlsbad Caverns, home of Earth vs. the Spider. Starring Pat Boone as the younger Scotsman. THE KID FROM CLEVELAND (1949) It's about a kid that gets to meet the 1948 Cleveland Indians (their last World Series championship) and is just plain bad. The poor players are so wooden... but the real actors are even worse! Includes baseball Hall of Famers Bob Feller, Lou Boudreau, Bill Veeck and Tris Speaker... Shawn Moore, mooresd@pwfl.com KISS DADDY GOODBYE Saw this on Elvira's Films of the Night or whatever [...] In any case, awful...About two kids (brother and sister) who have psychokinetic powers, and their father, who wants to keep their powers hidden, and their adventures on the road. The kids have no problem with using their powers to get back the frisbee that went across the road, but watch listlessly as their father is killed by bikers. After this, they magically animate their dads body to get his revenge. Stars Fabian as a Deputy. Carl Stone, cstone@mcs.kent.edu LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM As my friend Des says: "This is the crack-smokingest movie I have ever seen." It starts out with a Jurassic-Parkesque dig ........in someone's back yard! Then it cuts to a strange country music video, and the wackiness never stops. Gasp at the evil yet sexy priestess being interrupted in her evil yet sexy rites (who ever heard of a sacrifice in a hot tub?) by a telemarketer. Watch in screaming terror as the strange psychedelic Jesus scene shatters all logic lurking in the corners! Let your mouth gape open at the shockingly meaningless ending scene featuring a sock puppet and lots of blue makeup! And a bathing cap! Oh, Lair of the White Worm, the party movie now and forevermore. Alita-chan, scullythevampire@notme.com, "Nobody can catch me. I'm the wind, baby." LAKER GIRLS (1990) made for TV Starring a pre-Baywatch Alexandra Paul and a post-Family Ties Tina Yothers and cameo appearance of Miss Jean Simmons! 3 plucky gals share a beach house and work together to attain the ultimate goal in life--to be an L.A. Laker girl. Will Tina get to date one of the Lakers? Will Alexandra reveal that she's actually a rich-girl heiress? Will the girls all live in the glory that is the L.A.Laker girls? This was one of the worst movies I ever saw. I was held spellbound in horrid fascination. It's ripe for viewing by Mike and the 'bots. Jill Scurato, scurato@pucc.Princeton.EDU LEATHER JACKETS (1992) Basically, this is a 50s gang movie gone horribly wrong. for one thing, it takes place in present-day. it's the whole "guy is trying to make a good life for himself and his girl, but a friend from the past when the 2 of them were in a gang, shows up and fouls everything up." Mike Leipold, leipold@ruth.butler.edu LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH (1971) Paramount Pictures/The Jessica Company The movie stars Zohra Lambert. A woman and her "friends" try to scare a rich woman. That's all I can really remember about the plot. The movie is bad because on film quality, "slow" plot and, most of all, BAD ACTING! [unknown]@nethost.multnomah.or.us LOOKER (1981) Warner Brothers Learn a new definition of "disaster" when Michael Crichton is allowed to write AND direct! Starring Susan Dey as the world's greatest supermodel, Albert Finney as her plastic surgeon, and James Coburn as a power-mad bad guy who goes around paralyzing folks with a strobe light. Vanna White also appears. This thing is so cheap that they didn't even bother to build sets! They just put the action at a television station, justifying shooting lots of soundstages and obviously fake offices. Curt Wiederhoeft, cjw9505@Jetson.uh.edu THE LOVES OF DRACULA Also made for tv, as a pilot for the thankfully short-lived series "Cliffhangers," this baby stars Michael Nouri (of "Flashdance" fame) as Dracula. You don't even need Mike and 'the bots -- this movie is hysterically bad. It features some of the all-time worst wardrobe I've ever seen, and some truly undead actresses. My favorite scene is when Dracula, trapped in a warehouse, attempts to escape the rising sun by leaping for a skylight high above. Aided by his vampiric powers, he's able to leap about twenty feet in the air, but he still misses and falls back again... and again... and again... mlb@cais.com MAKING CONTACT (aka JOEY) (1985) Pro-jekt/Bishop Film/Centropolis Filmproduktion I saw this movie several years ago, quite by accident, and the scars have yet to heal. After his father's death, a boy gains telekinetic powers and uses them to battle a an evil ventriloquist's dummy and goes through a 2001-esque stargate sequence at the end. Or something like that. Pain. Oh, the pain... Kimberly Stahl, kims@sirius.com MIDNIGHT MADNESS (1980) Disney Starring David Naughton of Dr. Pepper commercial fame and a pre-Family Ties Michael J. Fox. Special appearances by Stephen (St. Elsewhere) Furst and Paul "Pee Wee" Reubens. Some hippie guy named Leon puts on a scavenger hunt around LA and has all these kids compete in it. Somehow he pulls this off with the help and permission from various agencies, including the LAX Airport, a miniature golf course, a fast-food restaurant, a game room, and various other places. The participants split up into teams, wear identical-colored clothes, and drive around in similar-colored vehicles. This, I believe, goes off the Goofy meter. This should be good for lots of Dr. Pepper in-jokes and a few potshots at Pee Wee Herman among others. Java Island, javaisle@computek.net MINES OF KILIMANJARO It is a terrible movie a friend of mine discovered about 4 or 5 years ago. He was bored and wanted to rent a movie he knew nothing about. It has a pretty cool looking cover, so he got it. There are some very obvious flaws - times where the speaker says that "there were seven men" when there's obviously only six, and many others. We even started a "society" around the movie, came up with a secret handshake, etc. Eric Thrall, thra0001@itlabs.umn.edu MONSTER FROM THE OCEAN FLOOR A marine biologist investigates a sea monster terrorizing a family touristing in a Mexican village. Roger Corman's first film, starring and directed by Wyott Ordung. Anne Kimball, Stuart Wade. Check it out! Greg, altus@flash.lakeheadu.ca MOONTRAP (1989) I rented it thinking, "hey neat, Chekov!" ::shudders at the painful memory:: Brief plot summary: Koenig, bored shuttle pilot ("I'm tired to driving a space truck!") discovers a mile-long derelict spacecraft in orbit around Earth, (uh-huh) which also contains a human corpse (uh-huh). They bring it back and use carbon dating to determine that the corpse is 10 million or thereabouts years old (uh-huh). Somehow they make the logical leap that humans are actually an ancient species that came from the moon long ago (uh-huh). They blast off for the moon ("NASA has an old Saturn V in mothballs all ready to go!" ...uh-huh) and discover that it's infested with bionic alien lifeforms (uh-huh). They kick some major alien butt with their Uzis (in space? Uh-huh) and eventually discover a major space-babe in a suspended-animation chamber (uh-huh). They thaw her out and she talks to them in an alien language but learns English on the spot (uh-huh). Eventually Koenig's partner dies, he kicks more alien hinder, and he and the space chick get it on. Meanwhile, the aliens make their move for Earth, but Koenig saves the day with his Uzi again, using it as a jetpack to propel himself inside the alien mothership, where he hits the self-destruct button and escapes the same way (uh-huh). He and the space-nugget escape as the alien ship does a Death Star impression. Cut to a shot of an alien pod landing somewhere in Wisconsin. (uh-huh) Big surprise, they're not all dead, neener neener! Cut back to Koenig's house, where he and the space-biscuit are now happily married. (uh-huh) He looks all pensive and says something like, "I can't shake the feeling that they're still out there!" Then he goes off to a party with his (rather nattily dressed) space-cookie wife. Even Shorter Summary: go see Apollo 13 instead. Matt Burch, mburch@ksu.ksu.edu THE NAVIGATORS This is an incredibly poorly scripted story of a group of medieval folk who are living in a village that is in the throes of the black plague. For some reason or another the group decides to dig a tunnel through the earth, which they do, and end up in modern day Australia (maybe because it took them so long?). Anyway, the story finally completes itself with a far from resolved plot and the movie ends probably because the budget ran out. I don't who directed this or starred in it, but that can easily be remedied by visiting the nearest video store and checkin this out! Richard839@aol.com NIGHTFALL (1988) (I actually paid real money to see this in a real theater.) One of Isaac Asimov's more thought-provoking works -- and one of the best known stories in science fiction -- becomes...well, a really bad movie. Released in 1988 and starring David Birney, this has production values that nearly equal those of The Cave Dwellers, and acting that was so awful that I have repressed any useful memories of it. What I recall is generally in reference to the original story, as in "That wasn't how Asimov described it!" and "Didn't anybody read the story first?" and "I don't remember any gratuitous sex scenes!" [...] In particular, the movie didn't explain very well the concept - absolutely central to the plot and the whole point of the film - that the planet where the story was set was never without sunlight. In its defense (and this movie needs a lot of defending, believe me!) the story could've explained it better, as well. But, boy, is this a stinker... Pat Bowman, pbowman@aimla.com NIGHT OF THE LEPUS ...was the story of a herd of (no kidding) giant killer rabbits, overrunning Idaho!! Or some such place. One of the best aspects of this film is that the rabbits, somehow, are always in slow motion. Some well-trained bunnies, I'd say. Gratefully, the film ends when the rabbits are electrocuted by a railroad. THE ONE REASON why you should mist this movie: DeForest Kelly. Joshua Bissey, joshua@cs.umr.edu NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER (1985) If you haven't caught this one, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme's debut, or should I say, not so impressive debut. He plays a minor role as a Russian fighter who can't act but can fight. The rest of the movie is pure crap, or for MSTies, pure cheese. The main character is a boy who is taught karate by the ghost of Bruce Lee in the boy's garage. Matt Creelman, mdc129@psu.edu NUMBER ONE (1970) Ponderous football saga starring Chuck Heston as an aging quarterback who just hasn't got it any more, but can't bring himself to face retirement. Much bathos, tedium, many bad fashions/hairdos, lots of stilted fake hip-speak, and Bruce Dern. I don't think Forrester could wish for much more. Tom Perdue, tomperdue@aol.com THE POSSESSED (1979) NBC I don't know if this made-for-tv stinkbomb was ever unleashed on video, but if you ever see it scheduled for late, late on UPN, tape it! It stars James Farrantino as an alcoholic ex-priest, and a bunch of other talent-free individuals. (Apparently, this was a series pilot: Farrantino's character travels around solving supernatural mysteries.) The Possessed revolves around demonic possession (natch) and various supernatural mishaps at a girls' school. Rotten acting, rotten special effects; a school teacher is possessed and suddenly gets a much better haircut(!), then spits a mouthful of carpet tacks at Mr. Farrantino. Anyway, the best (?) part about this "flaming sack of dog poopie" is that it features Harrison Ford in the minor role of a teacher who spontaneously combusts. Oh, the pain! mlb@cais.com You heard this one here first, folks! One observant reader got it right! THE PUMA MAN (1980) The Internet Movie Database description of the plot(?) is "The Villainous Dr. Kobras has managed to obtain a golden mask with the power to control the minds of all who gaze upon it. Only Puma Man can save the earth from certain destruction." OK, that's definitely STRIKE ONE. "Made for TV": STRIKE TWO. Stars Donald Pleasence: that's a big STRIKE THREE, MST fans! If that's not bad enough (and Lord knows it oughta be), the special effects are laughable even for a seventies TV show. Brian Herget, quatermass@erols.com RAWHEAD REX Rawhead Sweet Rawhead How your roars echo through my head. Rawhead Sweet Rawhead In your wake everything lies- dead. No, you cant move your neck So you go on your trek Leaving children's toys crushed at your feet! Your Rawhead! Rawhead! Rawhead! Silliest of the beasts. If any movie ever deserved to be beamed aboard the satellite of love, it is Rawhead Rex. Written by Clive Barker (who consequently takes no credit for the film) Rawhead is a mythical Irish monster who is released from his earthy tomb by some unsuspecting land owners. They are attempting to remove this rock from this 1000 acre field, but instead they end up releasing the monster that is "Rawhead". The movie goes on and on, saying nothing, and going nowhere, until Rawhead meets his fate- a pregnant woman with a buddah lamp. Shane Steinfeld, steinfel@birch.grove.ufl.edu RED SONJA ...is more than ripe for an MST3K episode. I know this because it was painful to watch. My friend and I came up with some really good rifs that had an entire room laughing, so I'm sure the mega-talented writing staff of MST3K would have no problem ripping this one to shreds! Miriam Burkett, mburkett@acs.stritch.edu REEFER MADNESS (1936) G & H Honestly, I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a documentary, propaganda, or just a real bad drama. The film is supposed to be a peak inside the shady world of marijuana pushers. Everyone ends up looking ridiculous in this MiSTer's dream. Alternate review: I Accuse My Parents, except with the plot revolving around drugs instead of lying. joeylemur@aol.com THE REINCARNATION OF PETER PROUD (1975) Michael Sarrazin arrives at a summer camp, and begins to have visions about a previous life in which his gonads had an unfortunate run-in with a canoe paddle. Not for the squeamish. Curt Wiederhoeft, cjw9505@Jetson.uh.edu ROLLER BOOGIE (1979) Roller Boogie is just about on the same level as Zombie Nightmare. I can't remeber who the stars attorney befriends a couple of roller skating nuts... disco style, even. Anyway this rag deserves to be MSTed... [...] Roller Boogie... a film you'd hate to see wasted. Jonathan L. Bare, jlbare@acs.bu.edu SEVEN DOORS OF DEATH (date?) An Italian mishmash about a priest who kills himself then comes back to kill a teenage temptress in a car-repair shop by shoving worms in her face, then her zombie floats outside her kid brother's window. Another t'n'g t'mptr's is parking with her boyfriend and the priest casts a spell which makes her vomit all her internal organs and become a zombie who then claws off the back of her boyfriend's head; he does _nothing_ during her long death scene, not scream, try to escape, or even look on in horror, he justs sits there and looks surprised when she goes for him. Tidbit: Christopher George, who made _lots_ of "junque" in his last years, has a very major but uncredited role. I guess this embarrassed even him. katiek@early.com SHAKMA (1990) Five medical students and their professor treat a baboon (Shakma) with hormones that will either calm him down or make him superagressive. He, of course, becomes superagressive, so they put him down... or so they think! Later that night, as the humans are engaged in a weird live-action form of D&D, the baboon awakens and goes on a killing spree. (One would think that medical students would be bright enough to stay on a separate floor and call for help or something.) The acting and writing are cheesy enough to defeat the USS Voyager. :) The D&D game is complete with really dumb computer graphics, radio tracking, and the famous sound effects from Atari's Pacman (which for some reason are always used in bad movies and TV shows to demonstrate technology.) The movie was filmed in Orlando FL in 1990, and stars Christopher Atkins (The Blue Lagoon), Amanda Wyss (How I Got Into College), Ari Meyers (Kate and Allie), and Roddy McDowall (Needs No Introduction). Ellya the half a bee, elle@unix.tpe.com This film raised bad movie-making to an art form (Isn't that redundant?). My Father and I sat through this movie because it was really REALLY late. Anyway, we spat bad jokes at the screen continuously, so the guys on the Satellite of Love shouldn't have much trouble. My personal favorite was "Oh great...now the monkey's got the strobe!"(If you see this movie, remember this line.) John Crowe, jcrowcms@ix.netcom.com SIDEKICKS I like your MST3K page. I'd like to say that the 1992 movie "Sidekicks", starring Chuck Norris, (as himself no less), is another movie that causes 'Deep Hurting'. Sayeh Reyjakah, sayeh@hotmail.com SORCERESS (date?) Starring the Halliday (?) twins of _Playboy_ pictorial fame as blonde orphans who are raised as boys (!?!) and get revenge on the bad guys with the help of a hunky hero who marries both of them at the end. katiek@early.com SPIRIT OF '76 Imagine Red Kross doing Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure set against a campy 70's ... no, you don't have to imagine; just see it. And tear it to shreds. Am I the only one who thinks there's nothing redeeming about this flick? Gillian "Gus" Andrews, gandrews@hampshire.edu THE SPACE CHILDREN (1958) It's sort of a Village of the Damned wanna-be, with the classic "evil kids" zombie-like acting style and accents (not Canadian or Australian.. maybe Israeli?) none of us could figure out. Mike Cohen, isis@netcom.com SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION (1989) Project Samson ...starring Brad Dourif in his pre-Chuckie salad days. A movie is damn bad when the funniest scene in it is Brad's arm spontaneously....well, combusting. I forget who else was in it, but there was a girl trying to help him solve the riddle of "SHC," as it was shortened to, before he went completely up in flames. Whoever made this stinker really tried to make a geniune horror movie, but fell short in the same way that the sainted Ed Wood fell short. Patsyann Jones, pjones@halcyon.com STAR CRASH It has all the makings of an Experiment: Bad acting! Bad SFX! A robot with a southern drawl! Even dudes who can stop time! Steven Today, sftoday@svm.com This is one of my all-time favorite bad movies. How bad? The models for the special effects shots were actually built by Italian school children. That bad. And the cast!!! David (Baywatch) Hasselhoff, Caroline (B starlet) Munro, Marjoe (ex-child evangelist) Gortner, and Christopher (I really should be in a better movie) Plummer!!! Rich Johnson, rsjohnso@naz.edu STARGATE (1994) Journal-Film/Centropolis Film Productions Watching Stargate is like sitting in a boat on a sunny day, riding the current and enjoying the view, and suddenly being hit in the face with a sack of dead fish. The linguistics and hieroglyphic translations are well-researched, the scenes on the alien world are beautiful, but everything else is horribly wrong, making the movie one jarring inconsistency after another. Cases in point: the planet, or at least the part where the natives live, is one big desert, yet the city has wooden walkways, each taking dozens of logs, hung from building to building every which way. The archaeologist, explaining how the gate works to the military brass, says that one needs three pairs of points, each defining an intersecting line, to define a unique point in space. (It only takes two lines (try it!), and why can't they just define the one point in the first place instead of all the others?) The list goes on and on-- add in the low IQ of almost all the characters, the bizarre costumes, and some good riffs, and it becomes time well spent. STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989) Paramount Pictures Nuff said. TEENAGE ZOMBIES (1957) Directed by nobody in particular and starring nobody with any acting ability, this cinematic gem appears to have been filmed in the same basement (sorry! make that ...on the same set) as The Wild Wild World of Batwoman. No zombies, but plenty of teenagers and a killer gorilla thrown in for good measure. Curt Wiederhoeft, cjw9505@Jetson.uh.edu THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN (1938) Columbia It's a really old Western (c. 1930s) starring a cast of midgets riding Shetland ponies. They go into the saloons UNDER the doors! Comes complete with songs. Hilariously awful. Phil Catelinet, catelinp@gunet.georgetown.edu [Also contains one of the worst musical numbers ever, a midget cabaret singer's rendition of "Look Out! I'm Gonna Make Love To You" - Dan] TEST TUBE TEENS FROM THE YEAR 2000 (aka Virgin Hunters) (1994) It's a cheesy 80's teen make-out movie made ten years too late. Morgan Fairchild stars as a girl's school principal who will outlaw sex in the future (don't ask). It's up to three time-traveling teens and a 1994 student (Michele "Mr. Belvedere" Matheson) to prevent the future from happening, despite an Ahnold-talking terminator clone sent to stop them. The movie is "clean" enough for the Brains to beat on, little editing needed (very little innuendo or sex for a teen sex movie). dano@cybercomm.net THE THIRSTY DEAD (1975) John Considine (brother of the forgotten Douglas "son" who vanished with Bud and stuck audiences with Ernie and Uncle Charlie. Ever think about how weird it was that the "adopted" son looked EXACTLY like a "real" one?) as the high priest of an ancient lost tribe of blood-sucking zombies. Of course, when it's time for our remaining heroes to be rescued, the zombie colony turns out to be located half a mile from the highway. Interesting only because Considine's performance seems to be the model that inspired David Birney in Nightfall. Exactly the same poses and expressions. Eerie. Directed by "one- hit wonder" Terry Becker. Curt Wiederhoeft, cjw9505@Jetson.uh.edu TOXIC AVENGER It is soooooo bad its just plain hideous .this movie is so bad and cheap that to make it seem that the army is really ganging up and the hero the toxic avenger they roll the same film footage of a tank rolling down the street five times in a row . The acting is soooo awful it just makes you cringe in fear .The plot revolves around a nerdy person who's name escapes me at the moment who gets conned into wearing a pink tutu for this voluptous silicon woman than gets caught and laughed at by all these body building jerks he works for. Embaressed he runs away, jumps out a window falls into a barrel of toxic waste and transforms into a "Hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strengh" after this happen he then went on to kill every on of the people who laughed at him . In the meantime he meets a blind woman who falls madly in love with him. This movie gave me an aneurism if thats how you spell it . The toxic avenger and all its sequels are awful. Barbara Canning, bcanning@atcon.com TOXIC AVENGER Recently for Halloween myself and a couple friends were going to rent "Vampire Hunter D;" you know, some classic Japanimation violence. Instead, Blockbuster Entertainment gave us, "the Vampire Happening." As Joel or Mike might say, this movie physically hurt me. A seriously crappy early '70's (1971? Older than the poor bastards who got stuck with it!) flick about a supposedly hugely famous actress who goes to her ancestrial castle in Transylvania and there's one of her ancestors that's a vampire still in a coffin in the basement that looks just like her. An english teacher would say that's a sentence fragment, but that's somehow appropriate for a movie like this. Man, I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. The actress somehow brought about sixty costume changes and wigs so some mistaken identity "comedy" can ensue as the actress and the vampire are repeatedly mistaken for each other. There's a weird and unsettling scene where the actress puts some seriously campy moves on a really repressed priest; a bizarre girl's school that seems to be from another movie, and a big vampire costume ball with a Dracula that's about as scary as your grandpa. Non-sequitor sight gags and novelty radio songs show up every once in a while to remind you that we're in Transylvania, and they make the Monster Mash seem authentic. As a bonus, they threw in some seventies issue nudity, so this one would probably never really get the MST3K treatment, but if you want a do-it-yourself movie, or just want to hurt yourself, badly, for many years to come, this could be the one for you. Meanwhile, Blockbuster owes me two hours of my life back... Chuck T., googum@stupid. WAXWORK II: LOST IN TIME (1992) There's a segment in this really really bad movie where one of the lead characters winds up in a 1950's type horror movie, and one of the people he's trapped with is none other than our very own Ship's Counselor, Marina Sirtis (bearing a striking resemblance to Creepy Girl!). Bill Livingston, bill.livingston@msfc.nasa.gov WIRED (1989) Oh, my God, this movie was so bad I cringe at the very mention of its name. I expected a straightforward film version of Bob Woodward's John Belushi bio. What I got was an incoherent mishmash about Belushi becoming some sort of zombie after his death and being given a tour of his life by a cabdriver who also happens to be an angel. It jumps back and forth through time with no sense of coherence --even Bob Woodward himself turns up as a character. It's like a remake of It's A Wonderful Life by Hal P. Warren. Most you-gotta-see- it-to-believe it scene: Belushi the zombie being conscious during his own autopsy, imagining the doctor who is cutting him up as a sushi chef. His angel buddy suggests he can made the pain go away by doing Brando imitations. This movie is such a turkey that it should be stored in the freezer case next to the Butterballs. Bonnie Walling, sunbird@exit109.com Back to Dan's Orbiting Outpost of Love.

This document was created using FlexED

Dan's Orbiting Outpost of Love

This document was created using FlexED