The BIG Collection of Music Jokes B A S S O O N What is another name for a bassoon? A farting bedpost. B A S S Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first. or Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. C E L L O What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse on the inside. C L A R I N E T Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicap zones. What's the definition of a nerd? Somone who owns their own alto clarinet. What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. D R U M S How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door? The knocking gets faster. How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door? The knocking gets slower. Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses? So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. or One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?") or Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). or Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. or None. They have a machine that does that now. Hey, buddy, how late does the band play? Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer. There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up? The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway. If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. A man decides to take a short vacation from his job and travel somewhere exotic. So, he books a trip to a small, essentially untouched Pacific island where the native culture is still intact. He has great expectations (no, not the novel by Dickens) for his trip, as he really needs the time off. So, he sets sail on his chartered ship to the island paradise. As the boat is approaching the island, he notices the sound of drums. "How quaint", he thinks, "the natives are engaging in an ancient ritual with drums." He arrives at the island and gets something to eat. All this time, the drums are going. Well, after a few hours, he begins to wonder when the drums are going to stop. So, he asks a native why the drums are going on so long. The native runs away screaming with a terrified look on his face. Thinking he has probably disturbed the sanctity of the native ritual by asking an intrusive question, the man decides to just forget about the drums and enjoy his vacation. But, after another two days of continuous drums, it's really beginning to bother him. So, he asks another native, "When are the drums going to stop?" The native just looks at him. So, he asks "Why are the drums going on so long?" This native, like the first one, runs away screaming. So, after another two days, the man has had it with drums. At gunpoint, he demands that a native make the drums stop. The native replies "I would rather die than be the one who stops the drums." The man asks him why. He answers... "Because when the drums are over, the saxophone solo starts!" Guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" "This is a travel agent." Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what their IQ is. "200,000" replies the first guest. "Well, that's great", says Bob, lets talk about ethereal astro physics. Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party someone else is at the door. Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your IQ? The new guest responds with "250". Great says Bob, lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for a while. Much later in the party after many more guests had been arrived and spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your IQ?" This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it: 5. Well that's great, says Bob, what kind of drumsticks do you use? F L U T E What's the definition of a minor second? Two flutes playing a unison G U I T A R How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him a sheet of music. How do you make him stop playing? Put notes on it! What's the definition of a minor second? Two lead guitarists playing in unison. What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? Counterpoint. How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb? Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better". What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig? Would you like fries with that? H A R M O N I C A Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. O B O E How do you get 5 oboes in tune? Shoot 4 of them. What are burning oboes used for? To set bassoons on fire. O R G A N Why did J. S. Bach have 20 children? His organ didn't have any stops. An organist was out on the town and came across a new club. He entered, and the manager greeted him and told him about the "progressive format." "You see, we have several different rooms here. On the door of each you will see a number. That number is the average IQ of the people inside." The organist thinks this is a wonderful idea, and soon finds Room 150. Inside is a brass quintet discussing brass quintet things, favorite composers, favorite instruments, and the like. The organist had just finished a concert with a brass quintet and was in no mood for more. He walked down the hall and found Room 100. Inside was a symphony orchestra holding a convention on who the greatest conductor of all time is. Since organists don't usually need conductors, he left. Next was Room 60. Inside was Philip Glass and John Cage. The organist did not stay very long at all (though Glass and Cage were inspired by the slamming door). At the very end of the hall was a battered old door with beer bottles, needles, and other detritus. But the organist was bored and decides that it's worth a shot. Inside are two punk-looking guys sitting on two stools in an otherwise empty room. One punk says to the other: "So, what kind of sticks do you use?" P I A N O What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? A flat major. What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him (or her) over with a steam roller? Be flat, major. What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? See flat major. What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? C sharp or B flat.. What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone? A sharp major. What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music? A natural major. What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? Root position cords. P I C C O L O How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? Shoot one. S A X O P H O N E What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? It's all in the grip. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? You can tune the lawnmower. What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato. How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it. If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out-of-tune sax player! The other two indicate you've been hallucinating. How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax? Add vibrato. What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't! How many sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it. The morning after a night on the town in Las Vegas, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated. Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he called the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim? " Bob asked. "Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end. "And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob. "Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. "And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob. Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night". What's the difference between a saxophone and a sorority girl? You could eat a saxophone if you had to. What's the difference between a saxophone and a husband? A saxophone makes sound when you blow it. T R O M B O N E How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes. What's the definition of a gentleman? Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't. There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? The frog's probably on its way to a gig. T R U M P E T How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Fifty. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better. What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? Their personality. How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change it and 4 to tell him how much better they could do it. T U B A What's the range of a tuba? 20 yards if you've got a good arm. What's a tuba for? 1 1/2 X 3 1/2. V I O L A What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline. What is the difference between grapes and a viola? You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes. How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it. At a concert hall one night the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight. He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about. The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!" "Well? " says the stage manager to the viola player. "What do you say to that? " In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!" V I O L I N How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving. How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play. or Play in the low register with a LOT of wrong notes. What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer. How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case. What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers. What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A dressmaker tucks up frills. Why is a violist like a terrorist? They both screw up bowings. This guy says to his wife "Oh, baby. I can play you just like a violin." His wife says "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!" A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?" The composition of a string quartet: 1 good violinist 1 bad violinist 1 really bad violinist who became a violist 1 cellist who hates all violinists. Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire." V O C A L S What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche. What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto? The dressmaker tucks up the frills. If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea. How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in. How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. or None. Get the drummer to do it. What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? "I didn't wake up this morning..." Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings. So this trumpet player dies. And when he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums." "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer." O R C H E S T R A S What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA! How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldn't expect *you* to understand. You're walking down a road, all of a sudden it split into three branches. in the left one, there's a good conductor, in the middle one there's a bad conductor, and in the right one there is the tooth fairy. Each one beckons you to follow him/her. Which one should you follow? The bad conductor because the other two don't exist. What's the difference between a bull and the orchestra? The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back. Semiconductors are part-time musicians. Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony. However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk. Two of the bassists get so drunk, they pass out. One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home. M U S I C What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A new age song What happens if you sing country music backwards? You get your job and your wife back. A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" HOW TO BUY A STEREO: Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very COOL. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.) The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important. (eg. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.) The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house. Components should have a cool names. The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. Having state of the art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly. The most important factor... Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better. How can you tell someone is a true music lover? When they put their ear up to the keyhole. Proposed Country-Western song titles: "I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win" "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart" "Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You" "I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time" "I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well" "I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better" M U S I C I A N S What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A pair of Re-bachs. What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? Bach in the saddle again. Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? Because he's Haydn! What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments? Stump the band. What do you get when you cross a Mafia boss and a performance artist? Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand!!! Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a lightbulb? Twenty: One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 on the guest list. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified. How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Seven - one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was. How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? "Hey man, I just do sound." or One, two, three, one, two, three. or One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. M U S I C I A N S A R E .... Altos have body. Bach did it with the organ. Band members do it all night. Band members do it in a parade. Band members do it in front of 100,000 people. Band members do it in public. Band members do it in sectionals. Band members do it on the football field. Basses and altos do it lower. Basses have rhythm. Beethoven did it apassionately. Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra. Choir boys do it unaccompanied. Cymbal players do it with a crash. DJs do it on request. DJs do it on the air. Drummers beat it. Drummers do it in 4/4 time. Drummers do it longer. Drummers do it on their heads. Drummers do it with both hands and feet. Drummers do it with rhythm. Drummers pound it. FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity. Frank Sinatra does it his way. Music hackers do it at 3 am. Music hackers do it audibly. Music hackers do it in concert. Music hackers do it in scores. Music hackers do it with more movements. Music hackers do it with their organs. Music hackers want to do it in realtime. Musicians do it with rhythm. Musicians duet together. Piano players have faster fingers Piano students learn on their teachers' instruments. Singers do it with their diaphragms. Sopranos and tenors do it higher. Sopranos do it in unison. Tenors have breath control. Trombone players do it in 7 positions. Trombones do it faster. Trombonists use more positions. Trumpet players blow the best. Trumpet players do it with a fanfare. Tuba players do it with big horns. Tubas do it deeper. Violinists do it gently. Violists do it alone. Violoncellists do it low. Virtuosi appreciate it. Vocalists are good in their mouths. Woodwind players do it in the reeds. NEW Here are some suggestions by vistor Tony (SalvaAC@aol.com): During a band rehearsal, the percussion section was being obnoxious. The director, visibly upset, stopped the rehearsal and addressed the percussionists. "You know, when we band directors start young students on instruments, if there is a child that can't play any instrument at all, we give them a pair of sticks and make them drummers." And from the back of the room, one of the drummers answered, "Yeah. And when they can't even do that, they take one of the sticks away and make him a director." * * * A man was walking through the desert, nearly collapsed from exhaustion. Just when he thinks he can go no further, he trips over something in the sand. He investigates, and discovers a lamp. He rubs it, and out pops a genie. "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. In gratitude, I will grant you one wish." "Thank you, kind genie. I know what I would wish for." And the man pulls a map out of his pocket. "Genie, all over the world there are wars and bloodshed because people cannot agree on where countries boundaries should be drawn. I know this is a large request, but I would like to to redraw all the boundaries so that everyone would be happy and there would be no more senseless killing." The genie furrows his brow, deep in though. Finally, he answers, "It is true that I am a powerful genie. But your request is too large even for me to grant. I am truly sorry. However, I would still like to grant you a wish." The man thinks for a minute and says, "Yes. I do have one other wish. I play in this band, you see, and our sax player is consistanly horrendously out of tune. Please, great genie, make our sax player be able to play in tune." The genie again loses himself deep in thought. After a moment, he asks, "Can I see that map again?" The Laughing Place Top This document was created using FlexED