The Rules for Men and Women
From Andy Ruddock
Women's 50 Rules For Dealing With Men
- Do not say what you mean. Ever.
- Be ambigious. Always.
- Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
- Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or weeks ago. Get mad when they don't remember.
- Make them apologize for everything.
- Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
- Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
- Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.
- Look them in the eye and start laughing.
- Get mad at them for everything.
- Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
- Hold grudges.
- Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
- When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
- Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
- Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
- Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
- Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
- Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
- Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
- Fall for your FAC.
- Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
- Correct their grammar.
- Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
- Leave out the good parts in stories.
- Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
- Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
- Declare that you are not wacko.
- Criticize the way they dress.
- Criticize the music they listen to.
- Criticize their hair.
- Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
- Try to change them.
- Try to mold them.
- Try to get them to dance.
- Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
- When they screw up, never let them forget it.
- Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
- Blame everything on PMS.
- Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
- Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
- Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
- Read into everything.
- Over-analyze everything.
- Make it your goal to make them cry.
Women's Rules for Men
- The female always makes The Rules.
- The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
- No male can possibly know all The Rules.
- If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
- The female is never wrong.
- If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
- If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
- The female may change her mind at any time.
- The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
- The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
- The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
- The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
- The male is expected to mind read at all times.
- The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
- Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
- If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
- The female is ready when she is ready.
- The male must be ready at all times.
Men's Rules For Dealing With Women
- Don't call. Ever.
- If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
- Be as ambiguous as possible.
- If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
- No matter what, it isn't your fault.
- Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help.
- Women like it when you ignore them.
- If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
- Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
- Deny everthing. Everything.
- Use the best break up line, "It's not you, it's me".
- Don't have a clue. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
- Feelings? What feelings?
- "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.
- ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
- It's OK if you forget trivial things, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color.
- Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
- It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
- Don't ever notice anything.
- If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
- If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know".
- If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others.
- If anyone asks you for a favour -
- (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it;
- (b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every day for the rest of their life.
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