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THE LAUGHING PLACE

The Rules for Men and Women

From Andy Ruddock

Women's 50 Rules For Dealing With Men

  1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
  2. Be ambigious. Always.
  3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
  4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or weeks ago. Get mad when they don't remember.
  5. Make them apologize for everything.
  6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
  7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
  8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.
  9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
  10. Cry.
  11. Get mad at them for everything.
  12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
  13. Hold grudges.
  14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
  15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
  16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
  17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
  18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
  19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
  20. Cry.
  21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
  22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
  23. Fall for your FAC.
  24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
  25. Correct their grammar.
  26. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
  27. Leave out the good parts in stories.
  28. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
  29. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
  30. Cry.
  31. Declare that you are not wacko.
  32. Criticize the way they dress.
  33. Criticize the music they listen to.
  34. Criticize their hair.
  35. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
  36. Try to change them.
  37. Try to mold them.
  38. Try to get them to dance.
  39. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
  40. Cry.
  41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
  42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
  43. Blame everything on PMS.
  44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
  45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
  46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
  47. Read into everything.
  48. Over-analyze everything.
  49. Cry.
  50. Make it your goal to make them cry.

Women's Rules for Men

  1. The female always makes The Rules.
  2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
  3. No male can possibly know all The Rules.
  4. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
  5. The female is never wrong.
  6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
  7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The female may change her mind at any time.
  9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
  10. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
  11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
  12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
  13. The male is expected to mind read at all times.
  14. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
  15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
  16. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
  17. The female is ready when she is ready.
  18. The male must be ready at all times.

Men's Rules For Dealing With Women

  1. Don't call. Ever.
  2. Lie.
  3. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
  4. Be as ambiguous as possible.
  5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
  6. No matter what, it isn't your fault.
  7. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help.
  8. Women like it when you ignore them.
  9. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
  10. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
  11. Deny everthing. Everything.
  12. Use the best break up line, "It's not you, it's me".
  13. Don't have a clue. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
  14. Feelings? What feelings?
  15. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.
  16. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
  17. It's OK if you forget trivial things, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color.
  18. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
  19. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
  20. Don't ever notice anything.
  21. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
  22. If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know".
  23. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others.
  24. If anyone asks you for a favour -
    • (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it;
    • (b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every day for the rest of their life.
    • Lie.

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